Grave
by Alley2
Summary: Set directly after Grave (and Tomorrow), Buffy reflects.. Feedback me, please! alleynyc@hotmail.com


Title: Grave (1/1)  
Author: AlleyNYC

Disclaimer:  I owe none of it, not one bit.  It's all Joss & Co.s.  
Rating: PG? It's clean.  
Pairings: None, it's B/Aish.  
Spoilers/Timeline: This is set directly after the S6/3 finales which, in Alley's world, is as if Grave had ended this morning and Tomorrow had ended about 20 minutes before.  
  
************  
  
_OhGodOhGodOhGod I can't breathe. I can't BREATHE. What's happening? Where am I? It's so dark! Mommy where are you? I can't see anything. Mommy, I can't see anything! I'm sinking and it's so dark and I can't breathe. The space I'm in... it's so small and the walls that surround me are so close. It's so small and I can't move. Mommy, please help me! The walls...  
  
OhGod.  
  
I'm in a coffin. I'm in *MY* coffin! And I'm sinking down and the walls are hard, they're metal and I bang on them and I'm trying to get out but they won't budge and I'm sinking and I can't breathe Mommy I can't breathe. Mommy help me I can't breathe._  
  
I awake with a start and after a panicked moment realize I'm in the living room of my house. My face and hair and the top of my t-shirt are damp with tears. I look over at Dawn, sound asleep at the other end of the couch, God, she's so beautiful, my sister, and realize, thankfully, that I didn't wake her. I would have scared her. She's had such a rough two years and I hate that. And these nightmares -- she doesn't need this. These terrifying dream/memories..... They still come.  
  
I get up and switch off the TV and go into the kitchen to make some of Willow's tea. Willow. I don't know where she is. Haven't heard from her or Xander since his message this morning. Grabbing the box of Camomile, I can hear her voice saying "Buffy, have some Camomile. It's all heal-y and relaxing. It'll make you sleep in a jiff!" If she really believed that, I don't know. It makes it a little better but I know I'll definitely be taking some Tylenol PMs to go to sleep tonight. Willow, I love you. Wherever you are, please be okay.  
  
Taking the hot tea into the living room, I wake up Dawnie. "Come on, Dawnie. Wake up. Time for bed. School tomorrow."  
  
She grumpily rouses herself and glares at me. I smile broadly, grateful for another day with Her Annoyingness. We came so close again to losing each other.   
  
"Buffy! You're actually making me go to school tomorrow? Did you forget? We saved the world today. That deserves a day off, you know."  
  
"Nice try, Dawn. You've missed enough school this year. Come on. Up! If you go to bed now you can get a nice 8 hours and be all rested and ready to go. UP!"  
  
Pulling her arm, I get her off the couch and up the stairs. She's so tall, I notice. And she has such strength. I need to teach her to fight. Tomorrow we start. She needs to learn how to defend herself. She does seem to attract trouble. Sister of the Slayer thing. Or maybe just a Dawn thing. I don't know.  
  
Climbing the stairs I realize how bone tired I am and decide to just crawl into bed, no teeth brushing, no shower, nothing. A bath would feel good right now but after that dream the thought of even sitting in 6 inches of water makes me shudder. Stripping off my clothes, I take 3 Tylenol PMs and lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overtake me.  
  
Even since I came back, I've had the dreams. I'm in the place of nothing, of no meaning. At peace. Complete. And then I'm sucked down a long hallway, the faces of those I love flashing by. My mother reaches for me, she looks so sad, but she lets me go. Gramma Ginny, Uncle Bill, Allegra, Merrick, they all turn and watch me leave. And I'm sucked, sucked back into darkness. A small space. And there's no air and I have to fight my way out of the box. Claw my way up through the dirt. My skin bleeding, my eyes blurred. Fight my way out into the night. Out into Hell.  
  
Sometimes it's like that. Other times it's the same but I am vampire. The dreams repeat and repeat. Each time it's scarier and harder for me to get out. I don't know why I torture myself like this.  
  
I've become afraid of the dark since I came back. Me, who spends hours in the dark, fighting creatures who live in the dark. Heh. I sleep with Dawnie's old nightlight on, sometimes stake in hand, checking the locks and windows sometimes 4 or 5 times before bed. I feel so scared. All the time. And now, my coffin sinks into the sea and it's not make of wood but of something harder and even if I get out I'm too deep down and I'll drown before I get to the surface.  
  
Lying in bed, waiting for the drugs to kick in, I practice some breath relaxation exercises Angel taught me back in the day. After he got back from Hell and before he left me. I need to think of something happy to relax myself but I realize there's so little right now. Tara's gone. Willow's... God, I don't know how she's going to survive this, if she'll survive it and I'm really scared. Spike tried to... he attacked me. He hurt me and I can't stand it.   
  
I allow myself the indulgence, I let myself do something I NEVER allow myself to do anymore because it can make me so sad, but just for tonight I let myself remember Angel. Remember being with Angel on the day that wasn't. The day no one knows about.  
  
It's odd. I used to be able to sense him, even after he moved to L.A. But since I came back -- so much time has passed and we've had virtually no contact since I told him goodbye when we last met and ever since then he's gotten weaker. It's hard to feel him anymore. It breaks my heart.  
  
God I loved that man. I wonder what he's doing right now?  
  
The end. Feedback, please....


End file.
